happy people

Connection with others may seem a daunting task for those of us who love to read and immerse ourselves in a good book. When we come out, we often find ourselves alone. So, how can we change this? How can we jump into a book and hide away for a while and still come out on the other end surrounded by people we are connected with?

If you tell yourself you can’t-guess what? YOU CAN’T- so change the dialog in that head of yours. Tell yourself you CAN. Empower yourself and act on it. And whatever you do, don’t let a few “failures” hold you back. Keep going. Learn what you need to learn from that “failure”, dust yourself off, and move forward.

You may want to scream about how much you loved, or let’s be honest, hated the book or the ending of the book. Take a deep breath and remember that the person you are about to barf all over didn’t have the same experience you just did.

Introducing step #1 Connecting starting with small talk

Instead, think about what the people around you are/were doing. Start there. With them. Yep! Start the conversation with dreaded small talk.  I know, I know, we introverts and often extroverts too, we won’t leave you out, HATE small talk–but meaningful conversations and connections take time. Give it the time it needs and you’ll be rewarded.

If you’re not sure what the person was just doing, (you were in perfect fiction-land) ask. “Hey, what’s up?” or “What are you doing?”  Then wait. Let them tell you. Use that as a jumping point. After a few exchanges, chances are, they’ll ask what you’ve been doing and you may have the opportunity to tell them about the book and how fulfilling it was (or how it let you down.)Danger point here!! However, going into a conversation simply to spill your latest and greatest isn’t the way to forge lasting friendships- I know you know this on some level.

Instead, tap into your curiosity. What was this person doing and why? They may have been involved in a mundane task, but maybe they were doing something they loved. And maybe you’ll find that discovering about the other person makes you forget about spewing your guts about that book. Instead, you have made a deeper connection with someone by allowing your curiosity to guide you.

Now it’s time for #2 Connecting by giving undivided attention

I know it’s difficult, but full-on face the person you want to talk to. Give them your undivided attention. Look at them. Not in a stalkerish, too intense way, just look at them and ask your question. Smile- straight from your heart. A genuine, warm smile. Then maybe raise your eyebrows, like, hey, I’m curious about you, tell me something about you.

And whatever you do, don’t check your phone or look at your book or look past the person you’re talking to. It makes it seem like you don’t care. Practice active listening. Give some head nods, widen those eye occasionally, smile, maybe even repeat something they say-

The person you are talking to, “Yeah, my dad actually took my phone before I went to bed.”

You, “Before you went to bed?” (shocked expression)

Yeah, that’s active listening.

You may be saying, this sounds all fluffy and easy, but I simply can’t talk to people. I can’t start the conversation.

That leads to step #3 Connecting by creating a new reality

I’m here to tell you that you can. Make a plan to participate in the world. Stop reinforcing the quality you think defines you. Instead, create a new reality for yourself. With practice-lots of it-you’ll change who you are.

You have to reach out. Look, it’s a primal desire to connect with people. Satisfy that desire. And again, I’m shouting it out to you. YOU CAN. In order to make meaningful connections that last, you have to reach out. Look at it this way, if you continue to do what you’ve been doing, you’ll get exactly what you have. After all, your results have come from your previous actions.

So, next time you think about grabbing out your phone when you are around others, stop yourself, and instead, face someone and ask a question-

“Are you hating this snow?” (Yeah, start superficial-it works)- or even state something- “I love this snow.”

Then wait.

Refuse the urge to pull out the phone and listen. Then respond, or ask another question. Slowly but surely, the person will find that you are genuinely interested in knowing them (You better be or what’s the point)and let you dive into those deeper questions/subjects that you crave to ask and talk about. Deeper questions lead to deeper conversations and deeper connections.

Still doubtful you can do it?

Step #4 is for you. Connecting by preparing

Prep yourself. What???

Psych yourself up by telling your inner self that you are excited to talk to this person. I know, I know, it sounds impossible and besides, you don’t lie to yourself. No worries, I’ve got you.

Well, you have to start somewhere, and sometimes that involves retraining your brain to think differently. It’s all about habit.

YOU CAN. Say it out loud if you need to. Write it down. Have it be your screensaver. Believe in YOU.

I do. I believe in you.

Now get out there and make those connections. Then come back and tell me about it. Did I tell you the truth? Did my 4 steps help you?

I can’t wait to hear your stories.

And don’t be shy- come join my reader’s club here.