How do we find happiness?

In my adult life, there have only been a few times that I’ve really felt unhappy and unloved. One of those times was after my brain surgery. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was depressed. Depression runs in my family and it wasn’t until I emerged from the blackness that I recognized what was going on. I finally understood my sister’s struggle. Really, I should have been on meds or gone to talk to someone, but I just didn’t know why I felt so hopeless and lost. I’m so grateful for that tiny stint in my life because it gave me empathy for the many who suffer daily from depression.

While what I’m going to present here today can help those who struggle with clinical depression to an extent, it is not the answer for anyone who needs professional counseling or to get their bodies and minds balanced with meds. I feel for you. Nothing, and I mean nothing, that I did during that time made me believe there could be any lasting happiness for me–ever. Which was odd, because I had always been blessed with an unstoppable optimism.

I’m going to share what works for the masses to find the happiness and love we all desire.

If you do always feel gray or dark, please, please, go get help and stick with it until you find something that does help. Your persistence will pay off.

There are a trillion “things” you can do to bring momentary or temporary happiness to your life. I’m not exaggerating, and you probably know many of the activities on the list: get moving and exercise, smile, help others, be kind, accept yourself, laugh, schedule your sleep, meditate, eat healthy food, embrace gratitude…the list goes on and on.  Do they work? Yes. Temporarily—or as often as you do them.

The question is, how can we be a happy person regardless of what we do, say or what happens around us?

It’s a mind shift.

At the outset, it sounds simple or perhaps daft, but it takes work and it’s real. You CAN give yourself this mind shift. And while all the things mentioned above will help with the shift, really, all you have to do is change your mind. You need to start creating your own story of happiness and love.

How do we do that? It starts with uncovering facts. We all tell ourselves that the facts are the facts. But do we know what a fact is? We better start here. A fact is something that is true no matter what.

Now that we know what a fact is, we can move on to the next level.

What you tell yourself about that fact, or the story you create around it, is what is going to make all the difference in your happiness.

I’ll illustrate this with two little stories. Let’s say student A set a goal to get 100% on a math test. He takes the test and gets 50%–a failing grade. Student A turns to his neighbor and says, “I suck. I got an F. I’m never going to get it. I’m such an idiot. This is the hardest class ever.”

What are the facts of the story? Can you pick them out? Only one thing student A said was a fact. He/she got an “F”. The story the student told was all in his mind. A story- not a fact.

Our happiness is determined by the stories we tell ourselves and others.

Let’s get to the second story. Take student G. Student G took the same test and got 50%. She turned to her neighbor and said, “Oh, my heck! I got 50%. I can’t believe it. I’ve never gotten that good of a score in here before. I’m the bomb. I’m totally going to pass this class. I finally get it.”

What are the facts of student G’s story? Can you pick them out? Yep, that she got 50% on the test. The rest is the story she is telling herself.

Let’s look further. Why do we need to be able to recognize the facts? Because it is vital to our happiness, that is why. Check those two stories again; both students got 50%. Which of the two stories brings happiness? Which one shows hope?

So, how do you become happy? You change your stories.

Let’s look at another example.

Girl C is about to speak to a crowd of people. She tells herself no one is going to like her presentation. She won’t do a good job. She’s going to faint. Why did she ever agree to do this? She is going to die. No one will like her after this.

Girl B is about to speak to a crowd of people. She tells herself she is going to be amazing. She did her best. She will most likely make new friends after this. People are going to think she did an amazing job. She’s so glad she decided to give the talk. It’s scary, but she is pushing herself and growing.

Can you pick out the facts? Yes. Both are going to speak. Do we know which girl is going to rock it? Girl A or B? No. But, the chances of Girl B ruling the stage are much higher because of the story she tells herself. Neither girl knows what the outcome is going to be, right? Then why would either ever tell herself a terrible story about what is going to happen? Why not tell herself the very best thing that could happen instead?

That is the trick.

How do you find happiness? By creating it all by yourself.

By changing your self-talk.

 So, how do you change your self-talk? It is a process. It is a simple process, but I can’t say it’s easy. At least at first. You start by listening to yourself. What is your mind telling you? What are you saying to yourself?  “I’ll never fall asleep. I’m a terrible sleeper.”

“I’ll never get it done in time. I’m so slow.” “I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I’m just too stupid.” “I could never do that. I’m too scared.” “No one likes me. I’m a loner. I’ll be a loner forever.”

It’s crazy what we say to ourselves without even thinking about it. Or even what we say to others about ourselves. Make no mistake. Those thoughts play a huge role in your happiness. Would you say those things to your best friend, your son or daughter, anyone you cared about? How would those words make them feel? Let that be your guide.

So, what to do about it. You start paying attention to what you tell yourself. It takes practice. Every time you have a thought about yourself, examine it. Pull it out and look at it. Would you say those words to anyone else? Are those words serving you? Do they make you hopeful? Joyful? Or do they drag you down–steal your happiness?

Here’s the thing. You are in charge of your brain. It can’t say things unless you let it. When you notice it is saying something that steals your happiness, tell it to stop. It may need a forceful voice or something gentler. In that case, tell it how silly it is to think such things. Then replace those thoughts with new ones that give you joy.

It will feel weird and maybe even false at first, but give it a chance. Keep at it for a month and you will be shocked at the happiness you have found. At how crazy our thoughts can be. That you have control over your thoughts- they don’t control you.

Be patient with yourself. Move forward. Create your happiness. Master your thoughts.

I’m so certain this works- I’m giving you my great big fat guarantee.

Find that happiness you crave. Change your mind and change your world.